akatsukichat dot com
by hallucinajenny
Summary: Kakuzu is tired of his friends and is about to take drastic/lazy measures. But what is waiting for him when he signs on to akatsukichat? Rated M for yaoi, Hidan's mouth, and gore. Contains kakuhidan and other Akatsuki pairings.
1. in which Kakuzu finds a friend

AN: Woot! First story on the site (not my first fan fiction)

I had an idea for this and just started typing it out. At first it was supposed to just be a oneshot of Hidan and Kakuzu having an online chat but then it grew. Sorry I don't know how long it will be.

Warning: contains swearing, yaoi (eventually), and maybe gore.

Pairings: kakuhidan, peinkonan, itakisa, sasodei, and maybe zetsutobi (if I can fit it in)

Disclamer: because we all know that Naruto is owned by a teenager in america

I don't describe actions much in this one because its mostly a chat conversation.

* * *

Kakuzu sighed. It had been a long day and he wanted it over. He flopped into the bed and tried to sleep when his computer made a beeping noise. He flipped over; trying to ignore the sound but it became more persistent, until finally it couldn't be avoided. He slid out of his bed and dropped heavily into his desk chair.

"You have received an IM!" Was scrawled in cheery letters across the screen. _You're about to receive my fist if you don't stop making noise! _Voiced a passing thought. However, it was quickly pushed to the side by the part of Kakuzu's mind that had calculated how much a new computer would cost.

He was _not_ in the mood for this at all, yet college was working his last nerve. The work was hard, the people were stupid, and worst of all he barely had enough money to live comfortably.

The computer screen flashed a couple more times, because obviously the electronic had lost all will to live. All thoughts of Electronocide(1) were ripped from his mind when he saw that the IM was from "*PopGoesTheWeasle*". _Itachi is IM-ing me? Shit Kisame must be on fire or something. _He let out a sadistic chuckle before clicking open the page.

*PopGoesTheWeasle* says: Bar. You coming?

Puppet Master says: The one up the street.

Samehada4Ever says: me, itaita, sasori-san, zetsu-san, pein-sama, and konan-chan r all go'ng!1! :D plz come I wil b lyk ttly hapy!

Kakuzu tapped the keyboard lazily, he didn't want to go, a bar meant drunken college students, and they were annoying enough when they were sober.

BitchWhere'sMyMoney says: no.

BitchWhere'sMyMoney says: I don't want to watch Pein trying to eat Konan's face all night.

BitchWhere'sMyMoney says: And Kisame, if you ever write to me like that again

BitchWhere'sMyMoney says: I will kill you.

Samehada4Ever says: haha srry. Lol!

BitchWhere'sMyMoney says: I wasn't joking.

**Samehada4ever has signed off**

*PopGoesTheWeasle* says: good night.

***PopGoesTheWeasle* has signed off**

Puppet Master says: …

Puppet Master says: you need to get laid.

**Puppet Master has signed off**

Kakuzu rubbed the bridge of his nose, he needed new friends. He liked his current ones, in a way, but they were so…how could you describe them? Sasori was blunt and straight to the point. Itachi barely ever said anything; let alone enough to warrant an opinion on his personality. Pein and Konan were always making out. Kisame was loud, overly polite, and over all weird. And Zetsu… Zetsu had conversations with himself, end of story.

Opening up a web browser and typing in 'chat rooms' in the search engine. Kakuzu realized that at the moment he was using the most drastic/lazy way of finding new friends possible. The result was over several thousand pages so he decided to narrow his search. He wanted someone that he could possibly meet, so he typed in 'Akatsuki college chat'. This time it only came up with two pages but he clicked the first listing.

The page loaded and on the top read, "Welcome to Akatsuki chat. An online chat room for Akatsuki college students only." This looked like as good a place as any. He clicked the 'sign in' button and filled out his basic information, username, e-mail, blah blah blah.

Kakuzu scrolled through the chat room names, the names changed but in the end they all were the same, girls, booze, party, guys, the list went on. He stopped when he came across a room titled "why AC fucking sucks!" the miser couldn't help but be curious.

**BitchWhere'sMyMoney has signed on**

Art Is A Bang says: Great another 2 hour rant. Why am I here again?

!JashinFuckYeah! says: Shut the hell up, asshole, I'm trying o talk!

Art Is A Bang says: Love you too.

!JashinFuckYeah! says: As I was saying before the stupid dick-monger interrupted. The principal is a lazy son of a bitch, who doesn't do anything about the sick shit that happens in the school!

!JashinFuckYeah! says: Yesterday I was walkin' up the stairs and I saw a guy and his chick were standing in a corner and when they saw me the guy started doing up his fucking pants! (2) You people stay classy! Because giving hand jobs in the corner of a dirty ass school is sexy.

Art Is A Bang says: Isn't this the second time you saw that?

!JashinFuckYeah! says: Yes, the sad thing is, IT WAS THE SAME, FUCKING, GUY!

BitchWhere'sMyMoney says: Please tell me they weren't a ginger and a girl with blue hair.

!JashinFuckYeah! says: HOLY SHIT YOU KNOW THEM!

BitchWhere'sMyMoney says: Sadly yes.

!JashinFuckYeah! says: Man I feel sad for your sorry ass.

CherryBlossom says: Can you please stop swearing, it's offensive.

Art Is A Bang says: You went into a chat room titled "why AC fucking sucks!" and you are complaining about offensive language. GO AWAY.

CherryBlossom says: But he shouldn't swear!

!JashinFuckYeah! says: Fuck you, you fucking whore, I can say whatever the fuck I want because I marked this discussion as mature! Therefore, you are a dumb bitch for signing on!

CherryBlossom says: You're an ass! I'm reporting you!

BitchWhere'sMyMoney says: How old are you? Because this site is for adults not fragile little girls. If you don't like what's being said, then leave.

**CherryBlossom has signed off**

Kakuzu smiled to himself, he liked occasionally torturing people on the internet, he didn't like being 'talkative', although there was no point in a chat room if you didn't chat. It was annoying and troublesome, but he was desperate.

!JashinFuckYeah! says: Thanks, seriously! That bitch was annoying.

BitchWhere'sMyMoney says: Whatever

!JashinFuckYeah! says: So you're friends with ginger and blue?

BitchWhere'sMyMoney says: You nicknamed them?

!JashinFuckYeah! says: Yeah

Art Is A Bang says: Got to go. My mom is yelling at me about that dresser I blew up. See you later, yeah.

**Art Is A Bang has signed off**

!JashinFuckYeah! says: So which one are you?

BitchWhere'sMyMoney says: Have you nicknamed all of their friends?

!JashinFuckYeah! says: Yeah seriously! There's Ginger, Blue, Fish-face, Fish-face's girlfriend, Oreo, Puppet-boy, and then Fuckface. (3)

BitchWhere'sMyMoney says: I'm going to kill you.

!JashinFuckYeah! says: You can try.

!JashinFuckYeah! says: So which one are you?

BitchWhere'sMyMoney says: Go to hell.

!JashinFuckYeah! says: Sweet I guess that means you're Fuckface.

!JashinFuckYeah! says: HI FUCKFACE!

!JashinFuckYeah! says: I added you to my friends.

!JashinFuckYeah! says: ACCEPT ASSHOLE!

BitchWhere'sMyMoney says: Why should I?

!JashinFuckYeah! says: Pretty please with a cherry on top?

BitchWhere'sMyMoney says: Are you really a college student?

!JashinFuckYeah! says: Fuck you.

BitchWhere'sMyMoney says: Bye.

!JashinFuckYeah! says: NO ADD ME FIRST YOU ASSHOLE!

**BitchWhere'sMyMoney has signed off**

!JashinFuckYeah! says: ass.

* * *

Kakuzu slid into his computer chair. He had added '!JashinFuckYeah!' to his friends on a whim, and over the past three months had grown… what was the word when you didn't hate someone? Fond? He had grown somewhat fond of the other boy. And during one of their conversations he was able to gather information.

!JashinFuckYeah! says: Name?

BitchWhere'sMyMoney says: Tell me yours

!JashinFuckYeah! says: Fuck you! I'm not telling, you might be some kind of sexual predator! Tell me your name first!

BitchWhere'sMyMoney says: Kakuzu

!JashinFuckYeah! says: Mine is San. age? (4)

BitchWhere'sMyMoney says: I'm 22

!JashinFuckYeah! says: Asshole, you can drink? Lucky bastard, I'm only 20.

BitchWhere'sMyMoney says: You're an idiot.

!JashinFuckYeah! says: FUCK YOU! Um… what do you look like without the mask?

BitchWhere'sMyMoney says: I'm not telling you.

!JashinFuckYeah! says: Oh come on!

BitchWhere'sMyMoney says: No

!JashinFuckYeah! says: Please.

BitchWhere'sMyMoney says: First, tell me what you look like under your face.

!JashinFuckYeah! says: That was creepy as fuck man.

BitchWhere'sMyMoney says: Then stop talking to me.

!JashinFuckYeah! says: Never.

!JashinFuckYeah! says: What do you want to be when you get a job?

BitchWhere'sMyMoney says: What are you 5?

BitchWhere'sMyMoney says: you tell me first.

!JashinFuckYeah! says: And you call me a 5 year old, fuck!

!JashinFuckYeah! says: I'm training to be a fucking Grief counselor! (5)

BitchWhere'sMyMoney says: … really? But this is a college chat.

!JashinFuckYeah! says: there is a training program in the school.

!JashinFuckYeah! says: Wait…what the fuck does "really" mean?

!JashinFuckYeah! says: Never mind.

!JashinFuckYeah! says: Tell me yours asshole!

BitchWhere'sMyMoney says: Heart surgeon.

!JashinFuckYeah! says: Ewww! I love gore and shit, but the smell is fucking sick!

BitchWhere'sMyMoney says: how do you know what someone looks/smells like on the inside?

!JashinFuckYeah! says: Next question!

!JashinFuckYeah! says: Religion? I'm a jashinist! Technically, I'm a priest, I've gone through all of the training, and I can even purify people in the name of Jashin if I need to. What about you?

BitchWhere'sMyMoney says: Atheist.

!JashinFuckYeah! says: Fucking heathen! I will purify your soul in the name of Jashin!

BitchWhere'sMyMoney says: Try it and I will make sure that you are able to meet that stupid god of yours.

!JashinFuckYeah! says: Fine um… gay or straight?

BitchWhere'sMyMoney says: You?

!JashinFuckYeah! says: Why do I always have to fucking answer first? Fine. Bi.

BitchWhere'sMyMoney says: Don't most religions have a problem with men having sex?

!JashinFuckYeah! says: Not in jashinism. See? Jashin is fucking awesome! CONVERT!

BitchWhere'sMyMoney says: Whatever.

!JashinFuckYeah! says: So?

BitchWhere'sMyMoney says: I'm gay.

BitchWhere'sMyMoney says: I hate women.

!JashinFuckYeah! says: So you are the topsy-turvy version of an angry bull dyke?

BitchWhere'sMyMoney says: …

!JashinFuckYeah! says: Haha I win!

BitchWhere'sMyMoney says: Why do I talk to you?

!JashinFuckYeah! says: I don't know. Hey kuzu-chan?

BitchWhere'sMyMoney says: Call me that again and I will kill you.

!JashinFuckYeah! says: Like you can!

!JashinFuckYeah! says: Can you send me a pic?

BitchWhere'sMyMoney says: No.

!JashinFuckYeah! says: Please kuzu-chan!

BitchWhere'sMyMoney says: No.

!JashinFuckYeah! says: You suck!

* * *

AN:

(1) Electronocide :the act of killing a computer

(2) This has happened to me

(3) I couldn't think of a nickname to give Itachi (Hidan doesn't know his name so it can't be weasel boy)

(4) San is Hidan. He has given a fake name to Kakuzu. I will explain why later.

(5) haha can you actually see Hidan being a grief consoler? "Your son just died? Shit that fuckin' sucks! I feel sorry for you and shit."


	2. in which kakuzu gets a life

AN: second chapter! Hidan will barely make an appearance in this chapter, because Kakuzu wont really have a chance to go online… (not telling why)

Warning: swearing, yaoi, gore, etc.

Disclaimer: every electronic in my name is a hand-me-down, do you really think I own Naruto?

I forgot to mention this before hand but there will be no lemon (unless people start bothering me about how they want it)

* * *

Kakuzu was tired. Between work, school, and his late night chats with San, there was barely any time left for sleep. So now he found himself, in Konan's kitchen, having a staring contest with his coffee. The coffee was winning.

"Mom!(1) Where is the Captin' Crunch?" Kisame was standing in the kitchen, sifting through half a dozen boxes of cereal, trying to find the kind he liked. Konan grabbed his arm and dragged him into a chair.

"I'm not getting that for you anymore. It's sugar coated razor blades(2)." She placed a plate loaded with pancakes before his chair. "Eat this instead."

"But I want –mmmf" Kisame was cut off by a fork full of pancakes practically being shoved down his throat.

"Shut up!" Growled Itachi. His eyes kept flickering over to Kakuzu, fortunately for all parties involved the shark-boy somehow got the message. The rest of the meal was spent with Kisame trying to make small talk and everybody else trying to shut him up.

The stitched man took a sip of his coffee, slowly taking his revenge for all those rounds of staring contest it had won. _Take that inanimate object!_ He mused snidely.

"Kakuzu?" Konan asked quietly, but all she received was a noncommittal grunt. "What do you have planed today?"

"I wouldn't know, my day planer _mysteriously_ disappeared from on top of my dresser yesterday." He sent an accusing glare across the table. Zetsu had stolen it, that wasn't even a question; Zetsu was the only person stealthy enough to go into his bedroom without leaving a trace. However, _whom_ he had stolen it for was still a up in the air. Most likely, it was Konan. But chances were it might have been Itachi and Kisame. Or perhaps all three, it was hard to tell.

"Good! That means that you're free today!" Konan chirped happily. The miser heaved a sigh, at least now he knew who the evil mastermind was. He slinked off to his room, hoping to get dressed into something comfortable. Konan's planning usually equaled bad parties and binge drinking, all of which were much more pleasant in comfy cloths. Spending the night with your head in a toilet was much more fun when your shoes didn't pinch.

Back in the kitchen, two people talked quietly. Discussing their plans for their stressed-out friend. "He just needs to enjoy himself. A few parties and some beer in his system and he'll be fine."

"I still think we should take him to a spa. He needs it." Itachi wasn't that close to Kakuzu, but he understood the other man's character well enough to know what he would like. Konan fixed the raven-haired boy with a withering glare, which he returned without a second thought.

"He isn't tired, he is sexually frustrated. I know he wont like it, but he has a much better chance of getting lucky at a party then a spa." They spun around to see a young boy with a shock of red hair. He regarded them blankly and continued. "He needs it." He smiled a little as he mimicked itachi's words.

"See Itachi? I am right!"

"Whatever you say _mommy dearest_." he left the other two alone. He would save the 'I told you so" for the morning when news of 'mass murder on the Akatsuki campus' broke out.

* * *

_I hate parties._

At some point in time Kakuzu found himself surrounded drunken college students, loud music, and the overwhelming sent of sex. They had dragged him to a party with the excuse that he was 'working too much and needed some fun', and shortly after abandoned him when they got bored. So now the brunette was sitting on a couch, drinking his fourth beer, (he had lost his mask around the beginning of the party) and wishing that everybody in the party would spontaneously combust. At least that would be entertaining.

The couch bounced a little as someone else sat down, but he had eyes only for the beer that sat in front of him. They sat in silence for a few minutes before the other man gave an exasperated sigh and tried to strike up a conversation.

"This party is fucking boring, seriously." Kakuzu kept his eyes on his beer, hopefully the other person would get the idea and leave. No such luck. "My stupid fucking friends dragged me here. So far this party sucks ass, the food is bad, the music sounds like shit, and this is the first place to sit that was empty, fuck!"

"The seat was empty for a reason." Since ignoring the man wasn't going to work Kakuzu would have to scare him. Angry green eyes rose to meet wide magenta ones, and stopped. _Magenta? Normal people don't have magenta eyes._ The miser took in the other mans face, he had large magenta eyes, pale skin, and short silver hair that he wore slicked back. He sat there half-glaring, half-ogling, trying hard not to look down at the albino's shirtless chest.

"Why."

"What?" Kakuzu's eyes snapped back up to the other man's, they had been traveling south.

"Why was the seat empty?"

"'Cause I'm scary." He hadn't expected to say anything, he hadn't even expected the conversation to have lasted as long as it did, but somehow here he was talking to a stranger.

"Naw, I think deep down you're a pussy cat." He punched Kakuzu's arm playfully, the brunette returned the favor by punching him full force in the arm. The silver haired boy let out a string of indecipherable curses.

"Don't touch me." They sat there in an uncomfortable silence for a while before a pale hand entered Kakuzu's peripheral.

"I'm Hidan." The hand just sat there, a plump mass of pale flesh just begging to be ripped from its owner.

"Go. _Away._" Kakuzu swatted away the offending appendage, but it just returned to its previous position.

"You're supposed to tell me your name, and shake my hand." He waved his hand in Kakuzu's face, remaining oblivious as the other man's anger slowly rose.

"And _you're_ supposed to leave me _alone_." He threw the hand to the side again. "And if you enter my personal bubble again. _I. will. Hurt. You._"

"You mean like this?" Pale hands shot out, gripping tanned ones and forcefully shaking them. Kakuzu reacted before he could think, his fist connected with Hidan's face, throwing the latter, half way across the room.

He grabbed a piece of paper and wrote 'Hi I'm Kakuzu' in cursive with lots of hearts and stars and sparkles, hopefully the albino would understand that he was being mocked. Grabbing a safety pin he fastened the note to Hidan's pants.

"Bye, bye brat."

* * *

"Found you." Zetsu ambled over to the stool Kakuzu was currently occupying, and grabbed the one right next to him. "**About fucking time too!**" his black hand motioned towards the bartender. "So, you started a fight? **Nice job asshole.**"

"Would you like something sir?" the bartender was standing obediently, trying not to stare. It wasn't every night you get a man with stitches all over, and another with black and white skin, and green hair.

"**IT'S A SKIN CONDITION, JACKASS!" **Zetsu blurted out, practically making the bartender jump. "Don't be mean. **Just get me a fucking Budweiser.** You are not poisoning my body with that junk. **I will poison **_**our**_** body all I want. **No you will not I-"

"They will have a coke." Kakuzu interjected, saving the poor bastard from anymore of Zetsu's ranting. The poor man ran off, and truth be told, he had never seen someone move that fast. "I _did not _start a fight. I just knocked a guy out." He was now addressing the green haired man. The two-toned man opened his mouth but was cut off by a loud noise from across the bar.

"ZETSU-SAN! QUICK TOBI NEEDS QUARTERS TO FINISH HIS GAME!" a black haired boy, with a orange eye-patch ran up, and proceeded to bounce around Zetsu. "Please! I only have thirty seconds left!"

"**Shut up.**" The black hand delved into its pocket and came up with about three dollars in quarters. "**Now go away.**"

"Thank you Zetsu-san." The boy planted a chaste kiss on the schizo's lips and ran off. Kakuzu could not help but shudder at the thought of being so close to the mouth of someone who had once argued the validity of cannibalism. The white hand waved happily, wile the black hand wiped their lips.

"Fuck, not you too."

"What?"

"First it was Pein and Konan. Then Itachi and Kisame started hooking up. Now shark-boy keeps trying to talk to me about how he loves Itachi, but he doesn't know how to tell him. And now you have a new toy. The only single ones here are me and Sasori."

"_**Tobi is not a toy.**_ And Sasori isn't single." He pointed down the bar, to the afore mentioned redhead, holding hands with a feminine looking blond. The blond looked like he had just won the lottery, but Sasori looked unfazed as ever. A shattering sound was heard as glass scattered across the countertop.

Kakuzu stormed off, leaving behind a terrified bartender, a bemused/angry Zetsu, and a small trail of blood from his left hand.

"Zetsu-san, I lost again." Tobi rushed to his boyfriend's side, looking slightly disappointed. "Is something wrong?" Tobi's voice was laced with concern, before colorless hands wrapped around his waist.

"**I am never going to say this again so listen. I like you a lot, and you are not just some toy. **That is the closest thing to 'I love you' as you are gonna get." The last thing Zetsu remembered was Tobi violently hugging him.

* * *

(1)haha Konan is mom

(2)this is what I call Captin' Crunch


	3. in which kakuzu gets a crush

Yay!

Ok sorry it took so long

My editor took forever going over this (haha I still love you babe!)

The authors note will be in the end cause it's a bit spoilerific

* * *

Kakuzu was in a bad mood, actually, that was an understatement. Kakuzu was in a don't-fuck-with-me-because-if-you-do-I'm-going-to-rip-out-you're-intestines-tie-them-around-your-neck-attach-the-other-end-to-the-bumper-of-my-car-and-drive-around-until-you're-a-bloody-pulp mood.

The stitched boy punched his wall, once, twice, and a few more times for good measure. He only stopped once his fist went through the drywall. _Great, everything is just perfect, gumdrops and ice cream, its peachy-fucking-keen! It's what I've always wanted, a giant ass hole in my wall._ He thought sarcastically. Today was not going well.

First, he punches an _extremely_ hot guy at a party. Then he goes to a bar to cool off, and Zetsu has to go and point out that it was physically impossible for anyone to want him, let alone love him, because he was so grotesque. Not in so many words but… the point was made. And the final blow was that he had given himself tons of deep glass cuts that had needed treatment.

_The bat-shit crazy cannibal can get a boyfriend, and I can't. How fucking sad was that_. Kakuzu didn't understand why, but just seeing Zetsu and that boy kiss made him so sad. He did not want that kind of 'I love you more' 'no I love you more' 'no I lo-' type of relationship, but he wanted someone. _Who would want a disfigured freak with anger problems?_ Arguing with himself wasn't helping.

The miser walked slowly to his computer. Everything felt like the calm before the storm, the room just felt so stuffy. He sat down._ Nothing wrong._ Turned on his computer. _I'm still ok._ Signed on to akasukichat. _I think I can do this. I can actually relax._ About to type his message to San…

BitchWhere'sMyMoney says: SDFIOPSDFIO873645Y0985

Keys flew everywhere. Kakuzu gingerly removed his fist from the keyboard, cringing a little, and started looking for all the keys that he had lost. When he came back up he had a response from San.

!JashinFuckYeah! says: Fuck man! Seizure much?

BitchWhere'sMyMoney says: NO I JUST HAD A FUCKING HORRIBLE DAY!

!JashinFuckYeah! says: What crawled up your ass and died?

BitchWhere'sMyMoney says: I HATE PEOPLE!

!JashinFuckYeah! says: you always hate people.

BitchWhere'sMyMoney says: SHUT UP!

!JashinFuckYeah! says: Make me dick-bag!

BitchWhere'sMyMoney says: I AM GOING TO KILL YOU!

!JashinFuckYeah! says: I want to see you try

!JashinFuckYeah! says: So…

!JashinFuckYeah! says: What's wrong and shit?

BitchWhere'sMyMoney says: MY FRIENDS STOLE MY DAY PLANNER. I WAS DRAGGED TO A BORING PARTY. I BASICALLY FUCKED ANY CHANCE I HAD WITH ONE REALLY HOT GUY. AND NOW THE FACT THAT I AM SINGLE IS GOING TO BE MADE EXTREMELY OBVIOUS EVERY TIME I HANG OUT WITH MY FRIENDS BECAUSE THEY ALL ARE IN RELATIONSHIPS!

!JashinFuckYeah! says: …

!JashinFuckYeah! says: Shit I'm sorry man

!JashinFuckYeah! says: Wait? How did you fuck your chances with the one guy?

BitchWhere'sMyMoney says: I PUNCHED HIM.

!JashinFuckYeah! says: Shit man.

!JashinFuckYeah! says: Well you might still have a chance.

BitchWhere'sMyMoney says: ONLY YOU WOULD SAY THAT.

!JashinFuckYeah! says: FUCK YOU! I WAS ONLY TRYING TO HELP YOUR SORRY ASS. YOU DON'T HAVE TO YELL YOU ASSHOLE!

BitchWhere'sMyMoney says: I'M NOT YELLING. I HIT MY KEYBOARD AND LOST A BUNCH OF KEYS. NOW I CANT FIND MY CAPS LOCK BUTTON.

!JashinFuckYeah! says: Oh…

!JashinFuckYeah! says: I'm sorry.

BitchWhere'sMyMoney says: Found it!

BitchWhere'sMyMoney says: Don't apologize. I just needed to yell.

!JashinFuckYeah! says: If it makes you feel better I just fucked some chick

!JashinFuckYeah! says: I don't know her name

!JashinFuckYeah! says: The ugly pink-haired chick that was with her kept callin' her Ino-pig that's all I know

!JashinFuckYeah! says: Jashin, she was hot!

BitchWhere'sMyMoney says: How exactly is this supposed to make me feel better?

!JashinFuckYeah! says: …

!JashinFuckYeah! says: It made sense in my head.

BitchWhere'sMyMoney says: And it makes no sense elsewhere

!JashinFuckYeah! says: That's your fault not mine.

!JashinFuckYeah! says: You just need to get laid.

BitchWhere'sMyMoney says: I 'm not a man-whore, like you.

Kakuzu leaned back in his chair. San was obnoxious, vulgar, and a pain in the ass, but there was something about him that Kakuzu liked. Perhaps it was how transparent he was, the fact that he didn't hide behind pretty words, or a fake smile. The boldfaced honesty was so alien to him.

BitchWhere'sMyMoney says: I don't want to do it with just anybody!

BitchWhere'sMyMoney says: I have class unlike you.

!JashinFuckYeah! says: Bitch!

!JashinFuckYeah! says: …

!JashinFuckYeah! says: Hey Kuzu-chan?

BitchWhere'sMyMoney says: Don't call me that!

!JashinFuckYeah! says: Can I get a pic? You know without the mask.

BitchWhere'sMyMoney says: No.

!JashinFuckYeah! says: …

!JashinFuckYeah! says: I'll trade you for my phone number.

XxXxXxXxXxX

The miser glared at the bathroom mirror. His reflection glared back, looking positively menacing. Green irises surrounded by pools or red flickered over the copy, remaining on the large stitches stretching across his cheeks for longer then needed. He snapped a picture and stomped out of the bathroom.

At least fifty people had seen him without a mask, today alone. one more wouldn't hurt.

The image uploaded quickly, and it was no problem sending it to San.

!JashinFuckYeah! says: HOLY SHIT!

BitchWhere'sMyMoney says: I got them when I was little.

!JashinFuckYeah! says: Fuck.

BitchWhere'sMyMoney says: …

!JashinFuckYeah! says: Hey Kuzu-chan?

BitchWhere'sMyMoney says: No.

!JashinFuckYeah! says: But I didn't even ask, asshole!

BitchWhere'sMyMoney says: No.

!JashinFuckYeah! says: Can I get one with you shirtless?

**BitchWhere'sMyMoney has signed off**

!JashinFuckYeah! says: So you don't want my number?

**BitchWhere'sMyMoney has signed on

* * *

**

He had known San for six months. Once they had traded phone numbers they started texting daily, Kakuzu had pay as you go minutes, but unlimited texting, so that's how they would always talk.

Kakuzu had also gotten into the habit of running into the guy he had punched at the party. It wasn't intentional… at first.

But one day Kakuzu saw something that drew his attention.

_Hidan's blond friend got in a fight, and he stepped in to help without even having to be asked. And when the blond got hit he looked generally worried. The fight was over and Hidan had suffered most of the damages, but he automatically ran to his friend's side._

"_You okay?"_

"_I think so, yeah." A fist collided with his head._

"_Fucking moron! You could have gotten hurt, seriously! You're dumber then me!" His words were harsh, but underneath there was a tone of relief. They sat there quietly as Hidan took care of his friends injuries. It was amazing watching him work so diligently, quietly talking about human anatomy, pointing out several body parts and giving their proper name. they both laughed when he said "You know, its impossible to lick your weenies." And the blond looked down. _

"_There all done. Now don't expect me to save your sorry ass next time."_

That day he had become curious, Hidan was an oddity, something that Kakuzu didn't understand, and he wanted to learn more. So he would stand in the halls a little longer then he had to, or he would take the longer way to his next class so that they would pass in the halls. Some part of him kept saying that this was stalker behavior, but he would just rationalize with 'I'm just checking him out' 'I'm performing research, into the mind of an idiot' or 'I was just taking the scenic route'.

He had learned quite a lot about the other man as well. Aside from his name, he had learned that he was friends with Sasori's new boyfriend. He had a similar personality to San's, but there was something else as well. San was insulting, but he knew where to draw the line, this guy… this guy was ten times worse.

Hidan was loud, brutally honest, a bit clumsy, and about as sharp as a marble. He talked a lot of shit, and was in a fight every other day. He picked fights that were not in his favor, and bitched a lot when he was injured.

So now he would go out of his way just to find the other man, because his personality, so violent and loud, so caring and honest, was so appealing. He wanted to know more, to get closer. All the voices in Kakuzu's head warned him what he was doing. They kept telling him that he had gone down this road before and it had not ended well, but another voice would yell 'Fuck them! What do they know!'. He liked the last voice, because it sounded just like Hidan.

"Hey, are you even listening?"

"What?" He looked up at Konan, who had been trying to talk to him for the past half hour.

"What are you even looking at that is so important?" She tried to move so she could see, but Kakuzu would just move to block her view each time.

"I'm not looking at anything."

"Liar!" The force at which Konan threw Kakuzu was equal to that of a bullet train. _Fuck! She's strong when she's angry. _He tried to slip away, but she kept a firm hold on his collar. From where she was standing there was a clear view of a white-haired man who was sitting across the room. Her eyes softened and her thoughts became almost readable.

"Konan don't you dare! I don't care if you yell at me, but if you get all touchy feely I will kill you!"

"Kakuzu- I- I'm so sorry… I-" He pulled away from her. The look in her eyes was unbearable.

"I don't want your fucking pity!" Kakuzu stormed out of the cafeteria. Konan knew him too well. If he stayed any longer, the situation wouldn't change. He would still be alone. The only difference would be that Konan would be sitting next to him telling him how it would be okay, and how things would work themselves out in the end.

But that was just a lie.

* * *

!JashinFuckYeah! says: Hey fuckface, what's up?

Kakuzu just sat there, he didn't know for how long, but he just sat and watched as San's messages got longer and angrier. Every time he tried to type Hidan's face would pop into his mind, and he wouldn't be able to continue. He gave up after a wile and just typed something short.

BitchWhere'sMyMoney says: Hi

!JashinFuckYeah! says: IS THAT ALL YOU HAVE TO FUCKING SAY?

BitchWhere'sMyMoney says: Yes

!JashinFuckYeah! says: YOU KNOW WHAT FUCK YOU!

BitchWhere'sMyMoney says: I'm already fucked…

!JashinFuckYeah! says: What does that mean?

BitchWhere'sMyMoney says: It means "I'm head over heals for a straight guy"

BitchWhere'sMyMoney says: That's what it means

!JashinFuckYeah! says: How do you know the guy is straight?

BitchWhere'sMyMoney says: Well when someone walks down the halls yelling "I fucking love cunt!" its not hard to guess

!JashinFuckYeah! says: …

!JashinFuckYeah! says: Oh

!JashinFuckYeah! says: Sorry

BitchWhere'sMyMoney says: I don't need your fucking sympathy

!JashinFuckYeah! says: Its not sympathy

!JashinFuckYeah! says: Its understanding

BitchWhere'sMyMoney says: I don't need that either

!JashinFuckYeah! says: You know what?

!JashinFuckYeah! says: Choke on a cock and die!

BitchWhere'sMyMoney says: I'll go do that

BitchWhere'sMyMoney says: Good night

!JashinFuckYeah! says: Bastard don't just sign off like that!

**BitchWhere'sMyMoney has signed off**

!JashinFuckYeah! says: Asshole!

* * *

AN: So it was a little fluffy and I'm sorry if its OOC

I needed to make Kakuzu develop romantic feelings and it was hard to find a way

So I think in the end I picked "Hidan is weird, and I find that hot" haha


	4. in which Kakuzu makes plans

I am so sorry for being so late. I have just been having major writers block and could only get tiny bits done at a time.

One more chapter.

It's hard to write people texting… it doesn't seem like it would be but it is.

Ugh my brain hurts.

Writing this chapter was like trying to pass a brick with nails glued to it, so I'm sorry if it sounds awkward.

Warning: swearing… do I really need to even say this? The story has Hidan in it, Hidan and swearing go hand in hand.

I do not own Naruto. If I did it would make sense more then half of the time.

* * *

**Monday**

Everybody always talks about how coming to school naked would be the most embarrassing thing they could do, but seriously that never happens, so what do you have to worry about? Truthfully, one of the worst things that can happen, and I'm sure you have experienced it once in your life, you're in a particularly loud classroom, so you turn up your phone's ringer, because you can't feel when it vibrates. So anyway, you do this, and you have been texting a friend for a while and it has been ok because no one could hear you, but like all truly embarrassing moments the entire room has to quiet down, as if on que, and your phone goes off. What's worse is if the ring tone itself is embarrassing as well, what can be worse then being known as a tough guy, and then having your pants pocket start singing "Barbie girl"?

This is exactly what happened to Kakuzu on Monday. His teacher took this as an open invitation to make his least favorite student suffer. That was how he found himself standing outside the classroom like a disobedient child, reading and rereading the text from San.

"So I think we should meet."

It wasn't even in context. They had been talking about San's weird dream where he was a ninja with magical powers living in some weird current/feudal Japan. The suggestion was a complete non sequitur.

Tanned fingers ran over the small keyboard, quickly writing out an angry rant, talking about how he had gotten in trouble and if his grade was lowered because of this incident he would rip out San's skull and beat him to death with it. His thumb rested over the send button, and he ended up tacking on "is Saturday ok?" at the bottom.

The phone rang again and the return text said "Sunday's better". For some reason San fucking with him all the time had just become part of his everyday life, it felt almost comfortable. But that didn't mean that he didn't get angry anymore, if anything San had made his anger issues worse. He typed out "Saturday it is" with more force then needed, and snapped his phone shut.

Kakuzu almost smiled when he got the swear laced reply. This was the most fun pissing someone off he had ever had.

* * *

**Tuesday**

_One more class and the day is over._ To say that his day, so far, was bad, would be wrong. A better term would be_ long_. It had been a long, long day, and every ounce of Kakuzu's being wanted it over.

His phone buzzed quietly in his palm, he had put it on vibrate ever since the previous incident. He almost groaned when he read the text.

"Look out your window"

He didn't really want to look, but if San was involved then chances are that whatever was outside his window was bad. Really it was like a Band-Aid, get it over quick.

Outside, on the next-door building's roof was about seven people, each holding up a tarp with "Kakuzu is a fag" written in bright red letters across it. Each person was dressed in all black and wearing a ski mask, but Kakuzu would bet his life savings that one of them was San. He could almost feel the individual blood vessels in his eyes popping. _What the fuck does he think he is doing?_ He practically launched out of his chair, that tarp was going down, and then someone was going to pay for this whole experience in blood.

He was thinking up new and creative ways of killing people when he bumped into something that looked like a big blur of red. A short boy with bright red hair was slowly getting up from the floor, avoiding Kakuzu's outstretched hand, and brushed himself off.

"Sasori, are you ok?"

"I'm fine." Sasori always reminded him of a cat, he seemed to have the 'I meant to do that' quality that cats often had. Like the ability to violently crash into someone and play it off as if it was intentional. "Oh, by the way," He pulled a black hoodie and ski mask from his backpack and handed it to Kakuzu. "some guy wanted me to give this to you." Sasori gave a slight tilt of his head before disappearing around a corner.

Kakuzu started back towards his destination but stopped again. If San gave the hoodie and the mask to Sasori, that meant that he was no longer wearing it, and since he had no clue what San looked like there was no chance of finding him. He pulled out his phone and punched in "Where the fuck are you?" and snapped it shut. He checked out the nearest window and it looked like the tarp was gone, which, basically, left him back at square one. His phone buzzed again and it almost broke in half with the force he opened it.

"Why do you want to know? You can wait till sat."

"FUCK YOU!" Kakuzu resisted every urge he had to whip his phone at a passing student. Instead, he sat down and tried to think things through. Sasori said that a guy gave him the hoodie, which meant that he saw San. But he had gotten over here way too soon, there was no possible way for someone to travel from the roof of the neighboring building to the third floor of the one he was in such a small time. Which only left one answer, Sasori was in on it.

And if Sasori was in on it…

If Sasori was in on it then Kakuzu had just played into his hand. But Sasori wasn't stupid so he planned on his plan being found out and… this was all too confusing.

Kakuzu remembered that Sasori had another catlike trait, he liked to play with his prey.

* * *

**Wednesday **

"What the fuck do you think you are doing!"

"Why hello Sasori, nice to see you, how are your classes, mind if I sit down?' 'Why of course not, take a seat Kakuzu, thank you for asking." Kakuzu was sitting across from his long time friend in a picnic bench on campus. It had taken him an entire day to track Sasori down, which was odd considering that they lived I the same building.

"Cut the bullshit! You helped San put up that tarp!"

"I did no such thing!" Sasori's voice rose in mock anger, it lost all effect because his expression didn't change at all. "I only ran decoy, I didn't even know what the tarp said. But judging by the artist it must have been something 'colorful'"

"Colorful? It said 'Kakuzu is a fag' in large red letters! I don't understand how outing me in front of the entire school can be considered colorful!" The sun beat down on Kakuzu's head, only causing more anger and irritation. He was almost at his limit, and an explosion was imminent.

"What is the problem? It's not exactly like you're in the closet." The miser wondered how he had yet to have an ulcer, or an aneurysm, considering how everyone he knew seemed to have some preoccupation with pissing him off.

"Yes, but I don't exactly want everybody and their mom knowing either." Heat was pressing up against his skull, and he felt almost as if more and more people were crowding around him. Kakuzu's fraying sanity became more visible as the clock ticked on. With a little provocation, on Sasori's part, he would be sure to react. If it wasn't helpful to plan it would at least provide some light entertainment.

"You should be proud of your sexuality." And there it was, the one thing that pushed him over the line. The only possible visual that could be given of this in point in time would be of pop rocks being pored over someone's brain.

The following actions would haunt Kakuzu for the rest of his adult life.

"Fine you want me to be proud? I'll be proud!" in one swift motion he pulled himself onto the table, spread his arms wide and proclaimed "I LOVE MEN!" at the top of his lungs. He stooped down only for a moment to drag up Sasori so that he was not alone. "AND SO DOES HE!" slowly people in the crowd started to raise their hands or stand on tables to proclaim their own sexuality.

A girl with long blond hair and whisker-like marks on her cheeks cupped her mouth to project her voice across the crowd, saying, "I LOVE HINATA-CHAN! I WANT TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH HER!" sitting beside her on the table was a girl, who was blushing so hard that it looked like someone put a black wig on a tomato, quietly waving to all of the people who were now looking at her.

An extremely familiar looking albino jumped onto a table and exclaimed "I FUCKING LOVE COCK!" in the loudest voice he could manage. Afterwards he pointed to a small group of girls that had gathered and said, "I know you do too." in a cheeky tone.

The rest of the day was spent with more and more of Akatsuki's gay community coming out, and with Kakuzu proclaiming to everyone who passed that he was gay.

* * *

**Thursday **

"Impromptu gay rights rally at the Akatsuki campus." The headline blared across the table, as if quietly mocking him, as inanimate objects had a tendency to do. He reached for the paper, ripping it out of Sasori's hands. The redhead seemed not to care as he produced yet another paper from his bag, and continued to read.

Kakuzu put his head on the table in defeat, being too tired from yesterday's actions to bother caring too much. At least one good thing happened during the rally, he had learned that he had a chance, no matter how small, with Hidan.

He was both mentally and physically exhausted when his phone started vibrating, so he just watched as it hopped about, and finally fell off the table. When he gathered the energy to pick it up and open it, San's number glared form the screen.

"Are we still on for sat?"


	5. in which the story ends

A.N. I'M NOT DEAD!

I am sorry it has taken so long!

My computer died when I was in the middle of writing this, so I lost all of my information. I wanted to keep writing but when you lose what you were working hard on it is hard to keep writing. TT^TT.

Anyway I but my lip and kept trying and now you have the final chapter.

It was so hard to finish!

Alright I am going to finish my other FF's

If anyone has a request on what I should work on next then tell me. (most likely it will be either "childhood memories" or "why does it hurt" but I might get in the mood to work on "heaven sent hell bound" too)

Warning: Shounen Ai, etc. etc.

Disclaimer: If I owned Naruto all the cool people wouldn't be dead.

* * *

**Thursday**

The water rippled, distorting the reflections cast on its surface as Kakuzu halfheartedly threw another rock.

* * *

Sasori always said that ditching was good for your health, Kakuzu didn't exactly know whether or not that was true, but it seemed a better alterative then going to school after what happened the day before. He had wandered around town, picking arbitrary directions as he went. His mind was foggy, chaotic thoughts clashed within.

His feet started to follow a familiar path, muscle memory taking over, as if it had only been a week ago that they had traveled down that path, rather then four years. The familiar sent of polluted water filled his nostrils, his skin grew moist in the humid weather.

He followed this path until he reached a cement bridge. Underneath were lush grass and wild flowers, blocked off by a fence that extended from the start of the bridge to the waterfront of a wide river, covering the fence however was an unruly grape vine, that had even tried to attach itself to the bridge above. It didn't feel like it had been four years, everything looked the same, even the rusting fence had yet to be replaced. In the lower right hand corner of the fence was a small hole, created by generations of teenagers looking for a place to smoke. Either the hole had gotten smaller or he had gotten bigger – neither of which he was very excited about – but in the end he made it, at the expense his clothes, and some of his skin.

_Tetanus shot here I come. _

He crawled across the grass, savoring the feel of the thin blades brushing against his palms. He flipped over so that he could lie down in the lush greens. The heat made his eyes feel heavy, his stress ebbed away as he was lulled to sleep in the paradise of his adolescence.

* * *

_The sun hid behind the bridge, tinting their hideout a dark orange. Sasori was lying in the grass with a towel over his head, Zetsu was fast asleep in a patch of wildflowers, Pein and Konan were sitting together and whispering about something or other. Kisame and Kakuzu were sitting at the bank of the river, skipping flat river stones. It was quiet, but it was the peaceful kind of quiet._

_There was a shuffling sound and everybody except for Sasori and Zetsu shifted their heads to look at the fence. Whoever it was, was obscured by the grape vine, so they waited for the person to come in or go away. A pale hand was the first thing that appeared, and then a pale arm and finally a pale person. Itachi slipped through the gap with relative ease, an ability that Kakuzu has always been somewhat jealous of. _

"_I'm sorry, my club ran late." And with that everybody went back to what they were doing, except for Kisame who wouldn't stop staring. _

"_And finally the crown prince, heir to the Uchiha clan graces us with his presence!" Itachi moved to sit beside Kakuzu, but Kisame jumped up and said. "Oh no please take my spot, in insist!"_

"_Kisame, what's wrong?"_

"_Yeah, you're acting like a dick." At this point everybody was looking at Kisame, even Zetsu and Sasori had bothered to open their eyes. Itachi frowned, obviously trying to understand why his best friend was acting like this._

"_OH COME ON! HAVEN'T YOU SEEN IT?" He screamed. "HE ONLY HANGS OUT WITH US WHEN HE CAN'T HANG OUT WITH THOSE STUPID ANBU ASSHOLES!" Kisame was shouting at the top of his lungs, his voice echoing in the enclosed space. He stepped forward and shoved Itachi. "JUST ADMIT THAT YOU LIKE THEM BETTER!" No body knew what to say, Kisame was always so laid back, his outburst just seemed so sudden._

_Itachi just turned around and left, but everybody had seen his face, and the anguish it held. As soon as he was gone Kisame grabbed the biggest rock he could find and hurled it at the river. He was breathing heavily, and nearly jumped out of his skin when Zetsu magically appeared by his side._

"_**Maybe you should take a swim**__, it might cool your temper." Zetsu started to move towards the exit but Kisame grabbed him._

"_Where do you think you're going?" _

_Zetsu brushed him off and continued on his way before saying "__**Itachi looked hurt, he might need someone to **_**comfort**_** him…**__" Everyone knew exactly what he meant by comfort. Zetsu wasn't a bad person, but that didn't mean that anyone trusted him to be alone with a distraught 16 year old. The words barely left his mouth when he was thrown to the ground my Kisame._

"_Don't you dare fucking touch him!"_

"_**Why?**__**You obviously don't care**__." Kakuzu locked his arms under Kisame's so that he couldn't start beating Zetsu. "Only an idiot would chase away someone they cared about." With that Kisame stopped struggling, Kakuzu tentatively loosened his grip, but the other boy just pushed him and ran for the exit._

_They watched him go, and even listened as he called for Itachi. A sly smile slid across Zetsu's face as he was helped off of the ground. A thought crossed Kakuzu's mind, "You wanted that to happen."_

_Zetsu brushed off the dirt that had settled all over his clothing before answering. "Don't worry, I'm not turning nice, __**Kisame was just starting to annoy me**__."_

_Everything calmed back down after that, when the other two came back. Itachi sat next to Sasori, but from his attitude everything was fine between them. The rest of the day was uneventful, except for when Kisame punched Zetsu because he was singing "Scotty doesn't know".

* * *

_

It was dark when Kakuzu came home, he walked through the rooms and slid into his bed without bothering to turn on the lights.

* * *

**Friday**

It was noon when he woke up again, he had slept through most of the day before. A cold plate of pancakes waited for him in the kitchen, and It was clear that everyone had left long before him, there wasn't even coffee. He sighed and returned to his room to change, cooking was too much of a hassle in his currant state of mind.

The door jingled merrily as he stepped in. the café was fairly deserted, being the middle of the day. Kakuzu stepped up to the counter, behind it was a kid that looked like he had just stepped out of high school into this job. He ordered a coffee and 3 doughnuts, but as he turned to leave he saw a familiar albino sitting alone at a table. Hidan became closer and closer until Kakuzu realized that he had been walking towards the other man. Before he could stop himself he sat across from Hidan.

"Hello?"

Kakuzu didn't know exactly what he was supposed to say, Hidan didn't know him, and he couldn't exactly say that he looked like someone else he knew. He wracked his mind for some possible excuse but somehow the words just seemed to slip out as if rehearsed. "It looks pretty pathetic."

"What the fuck are you talking about?"

"Sitting alone. It looks pathetic. This way it looks like we aren't alone." The lies just flew from Kakuzu's lips, one after another.

"Hey aren't you the guy from the party?" Kakuzu mentally cursed, he had completely forgotten about what he had done. "Don't you hate people?"

"Now I don't"

"Liar."

"Is it that obvious?" Kakuzu wanted to scream, or hit something, he wanted Hidan so badly but at the rate he was going he was more likely to get a restraining order.

"I'm not fucking stupid, and I know that you have been stalking me too!" Kakuzu felt his heart stop, Hidan had known all along! And now he had no chance what-so-ever! If Hidan knew from the start then that was game over and that meant… wait… if he knew from the beginning…

"If knew then why didn't you stop me?" Hidan froze in his spot, slowly turning red, sounds started coming out of his mouth but none of them formed a word. Kakuzu's heart shot up into his throat, he had found an opening and he was going to jump on it. "Or was it that you didn't want me to?" He leaned in closer. "Are you the kind of person who gets off on that kind of thing? That is kind of kinky."

"WELL AT LEAST I'M NOT A FUCKING STALKER LIKE YOU!" All of the eyes in the room turned towards them. Kakuzu grabbed Hidan by the arm and dragged him out of the café, completely ignoring all of the other man's protest. He pulled Hidan into a secluded ally and backed him against a wall. Hidan's face turned red as he realized what sort of situation he was in.

"Now that we are alone we can talk freely."

"YOU CALL THIS ALONE! WE ARE IN A FUCKING BACK ALLY!" Kakuzu put his hand over Hidan's mouth to keep him from being too loud.

"Your voice annoys me." He removed his hand and replaced it with his lips. He moved closer to Hidan, running his hands all over the other man's body. He forced his tongue into Hidan's mouth, but cursed when it was bitten. He bit down on the albino's lip in revenge, but didn't expect the excited gasp that escaped from Hidan's lips.

Kakuzu took a step back to look at Hidan. His face was flushed and he was hard. Kakuzu raised an eyebrow in questioning. His teeth were clenched and his body started to shake, he grabbed Kakuzu's arm and dragged him back out of the ally. As soon as they were out he stepped behind Kakuzu and pushed him forward. When Kakuzu didn't move he said "Look, I'm not some two cent whore, and if you want to fuck it has to be somewhere nice." His face was turned away, and he just stood there pouting.

Without a word Kakuzu grabbed him and led him to his apartment. When they got there Hidan bounced around, looking at every little thing. "This is your place? It's fucking awesome!"

"I share it with friends."

"Then…" Hidan moved in front of Kakuzu, and gave him a seductive smile. "where is your room?"

"End of the hall, see ya later!" Kakuzu turned, pretending to leave when Hidan grabbed the back of his shirt. He tried hard to suppress a smile as he turned back around and said "Oh? Sorry, did you want me to join you?" it was almost impossible to control his lust with the face Hidan was making, it was just too damn cute.

They stepped into Kakuzu's room and Hidan pressed himself against the closed door. "Before we start, do you mind if I text my friend?"

"Why?"

"Cause it will piss him off." Kakuzu nodded and started taking off his shirt, wile Hidan flipped out his phone, and punched out a quick text. When he was done they closed the distance when Kakuzu's phone buzzed, he was tempted to ignore it but the name that flashed on the screen spiked his interest.

"I'm about to fuck some guy. Dude scars are fucking hot!" San's text sat on his screen as he slowly put two and two together. He looked up at Hidan, who had a cheeky smile plastered across his face.

"S-san?"

"The one and only!" the last thing Hidan remembered was Kakuzu punching him.

* * *

**Three months later**

"Hey stick-dick! Pass the syrup!"

"You're too noisy." Sasori slid the syrup towards Hidan.

"Wait… we _are_ still talking about breakfast right?" there was a chocking sound from across the table. Deidara looked pale as he tried to remove some pancakes that had lodged themselves in his windpipe.

"I d-don't think I'm hungry any more, yeah." He said as he pushed his plate away.

"Oh come off your fucking high horse! It isn't like we can't hear you! _Oh master, MASTER! Right there!_" Deidara turned dark red, and Sasori hid his face, but from the look of it he was laughing.

Kakuzu walked in, took a seat, and smacked Hidan over the head in one fluid movement. Hidan cursed and lightly smacked his partner in return, but there was no other retaliation. "Why did you do that!"

"Why not?"

"Abuse! ABUSE!"

Kakuzu pressed his lips close to Hidan's ear and whispered. "You like it." He moved back and gave Hidan a small smile. A crash was heard from the doorway, where Konan stood, around her feet was a pile of broken plates.

"Kakuzu… smiled…" Konan wobbled out of the room looking blissful. "it does exist…"

"KONAN YOU SAW NOTHING!" Kakuzu chased after her, in hopes that he could get her to forget. However Hidan sat in his chair, just smiling as he watched as Kakuzu shouted death threats.

"I guess I should save her…" Hidan walked over to his lover and pulled him down into a passionate kiss. When they parted he just walked away, leaving Kakuzu standing there looking a little surprised.


End file.
